The Surrogacy SOURCE
Special Announcement

Over the past few weeks the professional fertility community has been shaken by the revelation of the actions of a couple of surrogacy agencies, i.e. SurroGenesis and B Coming. Since then The Surrogacy SOURCE has been assessing the reported facts of these situations as they are unfolding with both anger and disdain for the alleged perpetrators, and sorrow for those who have been affected by this tragic situation.

Infertility and the subsequent journey to a baby can be one of the most emotionally and financially formidable challenges that couples and individuals will undergo. The fact that the irresponsible actions of a few may now make the decision to pursue surrogacy as an option for hopeful parents even more stressful and clouded in uncertainty is yet another tragedy created by this shocking series of events.

The vast majority of surrogacy agencies are led by dedicated, experienced professionals devoted to helping couples and individuals realize their dreams of a family, and most of them have useful and informative websites. However, Internet presence alone can be deceptive, and should never be relied on entirely when making a decision of such significance. Before choosing an agency, ask questions. Ask your IVF physician, or consult a support organization such as Resolve or The American Fertility Association. Also, there are questions that can be asked to help assess the professional caliber and standards of an agency's organization. Any reputable agency should be entirely comfortable with the following questions:

Choosing an Egg Donor: Part 1
Guidance for an Unexpected Journey

Written by Ellen S. Glazer, LICSW www.ellenglazer.net

Over the years I have had the opportunity to assist many couples who find themselves in the unexpected position of selecting an egg donor.  This is one of those challenging tasks for which there is no preparation—no instructional course nor "how to" manual nor personal guide. Instead, people generally proceed by putting one foot in front of the other and figuring things out as they go along.

I learned a lot from one early "ED traveler" as I accompanied her on her unanticipated, daunting and eventually rewarding journey.  She is a woman who is very proud of and connected to her Italian heritage.  As we discussed what was important to her in an egg donor, she repeatedly came back to her heritage and her mantra became, "I know I will feel ok about egg donation as long as I have an Italian donor."  Over the course of several weeks, we looked at and discussed profiles of many Italian donors and then one week my client came in and proudly announced, "I've found her—I've found my perfect donor." I smiled and said, "Well I know one thing about her—I know she is Italian."  Imagine my surprise when my client responded, "Actually no. She's not Italian, she's Portuguese, but she is Portuguese the way I am Italian."

As I said, I learned a lot from this experience. I learned that most people begin the process of selecting a donor by identifying characteristics that are important to them—ethnicity, appearance, motivation, fertility, health to name a few. However, as the process of selecting a donor unfolds, most intended parents come upon an "ah-ha" moment---something clicks and for one reason or another, they find a woman who feels "right" to them.  Their decision is the result of a delicate interplay between mind and heart.

First, the mind. Then, the heart.

Donor selection usually begins as a contemplative process in which intended parents consider what they are looking for in a donor. Although people have the right to make any quality or trait a priority, I have found that for most, the list of "important" factors generally includes the following:

Appearance
Although many recipient couples are not trying to find a donor who closely matches them physically, most do hope to choose from women who resemble one or both partners, at least to some degree. Height, body type, skin tone and eye color are all factors that matter to intended parents, who seek a child who will "blend in" with them. As one ED mom said, "I'm quite tall as is my husband. It's the first thing people notice about us. It was important to us that we had a tall donor."

Health
Everyone wants a healthy child and many going through egg donation take this a step further: they feel a responsibility to their child to select "healthy genes."  I understand this to a point—why choose a donor who has a strong family history of some devastating, genetically transmitted disease?  However, some people transform the opportunity to make some choices about genes into a burden. I know a woman who turned down a donor because her father had Type 2 diabetes.  When I hear clients adopting this "we need to eradicate all illness approach," I ask them, "When you were dating, did you take a detailed health history of everyone you went out with…and would you have called off the engagement if your husband's father, an athletic, non-smoker, had a heart attact at 45?"  I've yet to come across anyone who did health inventories when dating.

Ethnicity
Many of us feel a strong sense of connection to our ethnic or cultural heritage and look forward to passing it on to our children. When it comes to selecting a donor, some people feel that it is crucial that their donor share their ethnic heritage. They want to be able to fully and authentically say to their child, "You are Irish" or "You are Italian" or Greek or Russian or Armenian. I recall one woman who was 100% Irish and had agreed to raise her child Jewish because this was important to her husband. When they found themselves pursing egg donation, she realized how crucial it was to her that the donor be Irish. "I'm giving up so much in the process that I need to have this connection to my child. I need my child to be Irish."

Tune in next issue to learn about how temperament, motivation, and fertility factor in to the decision to choose an egg donor.