To Meet or Not to Meet…
By
Susan Bloom
 The
decision to move forward with an egg donor cycle is inevitably followed by a dazzling litany of strange new decisions.
Which agency? Which donor? Which attorney? How do we pay for all of this? And so on. Deciding whether or not you and your
donor will meet in-person is another one of those interesting quandaries you likely had never considered before. You might
dismiss the idea entirely, perhaps your agency does not permit meetings, or the donor is not comfortable with an in-person
meeting or you might briefly consider it and set the entire issue aside hoping that some time might grant you the clarity
to make the best decision. In the flurry of activity during the preparation for and participation in a donor cycle, some
feel that the additional stress of the prospect of a meeting is more than they are willing to take on.The reasons that
couples choose to meet or not to meet their donor are as numerous and varied as the matches themselves. There are some
widely shared views on the pros and cons of either choice. A few examples follow:
Contact with donor can:
- Demystify the relationship between donor and Intended Parents
- Dispel fears on both sides about the other parties – There is something disconcerting about the “unknown”
- Offer an opportunity to learn information about the donor perhaps
not provided on the donor's profile, or to just get a better "sense of her"; hear her voice, see her gestures.
- Empower Intended Parents to have a more complete discussion with their child about their biological mother, should
they choose to tell them about the role the donor played in their lives.
However, as with most things, there are some potential disadvantages to a meeting, such as:
- Compromising the anonymous nature of the arrangement; legal consequences
- Conflict with spouse about necessity to meet
- Donor or Intended Parent’s fear of rejection (What if they don’t
like me?)
The setting and construct of an in-person donor / recipient meeting
will vary depending upon the individual protocol of the agency or clinic, but generally, the participants will consist
of the donor, the recipient mother and the recipient father, and a representative of the agency or clinic whose function
it is to set guidelines for the meeting, and serve as facilitator for the discussion. Ordinarily a time limit, range
of topics, and the importance of non-disclosure of identifying information are established before the meeting commences.
This is particularly important because the entire arrangement is based around the understanding that donors and recipients
will not have any relationship beyond the terms of the egg donation arrangement itself. The donor will have no relationship
with the child, nor will the intended parents be provided with a means to initiate contact with the donor beyond the
parameters of the agreement. If, during the course of a meeting, a surname or place of employment were to slip, the anonymous
nature of the relationship is irredeemably compromised. Greg Masler, a California attorney whose practice focuses upon
third-party reproduction remarks; "The voluntary disclosure
of identifying information by the parties to an Intended Parent(s)-Donor Agreement, may seriously compromise
the entire Agreement. These type of Agreements typically include strict provisions which protect the
parties' privacy rights as well as those of children born using the Donor's ovum. If anonymity is
breached intentionally, the Agreement may have to be re-written to reflect this lack of confidentiality."
Historically,
most anonymous egg donor arrangements do not result in a meeting between the donor and recipient,
however the practice is increasing in frequency each year. At one time in-person meetings were almost universally discouraged
by mental health and medical communities for a variety of reasons, but primarily to preserve anonymity and to
avoid the possibility of emotional distress on the part of the donor and/or recipient. As the medical science of third-party
reproduction has evolved, so too has the social science perspective. Dr. Sylvia Marnella, a clinical psychologist, counsels
both couples and donors on the unique concerns and needs they face while participating in the egg donor process. Dr. Marnella
points out;
“Some personality types can be haunted by unanswered questions. They need to construct a lattice of understanding,
which only then allows them to close the door on a chapter past. Others are quite comfortable with the unknown. For them,
asking the questions can be more unsettling than knowing answers and so, the questions are never entertained. For those
with a need to know, this can provide a basis from which conjecture can be put to rest. Because of the emotions of the
moment and the constraints of time, it’s advisable for the participants do their “home work” in advance
of their meeting. As a part of deciding “if” they should meet, it can be helpful to ask themselves “why” they would like
to meet and “what” they hope to learn. This can crystallize the agenda, shape expectations and promote a positive outcome.”
And
so, every situation is different. One recipient couple I worked with recently, expressed that they couldn’t imagine not taking the opportunity
to meet their donor on behalf of their future child. Many others deliberate agonizingly and conclude that a meeting is just doesn’t feel right
to them. Like so many elements of parenting, sometimes there are no clear-cut answers.
The weight of many of the decisions that are made during the course of the egg donation process will stay with you and
your child for a lifetime and your conclusions should be drawn after carefully considering the details both short-term
and long-term, both legal and emotional, and most importantly, how you best envision these decisions painted into the story
of a happy, well-adjusted new life.
Susan Bloom
The Donor Source
www.thedonorsource.com
The
Donor Source is Growing!
The Donor Source has added an East Coast Office in Florida
to more effectively serve our nationwide clientele of donors and intended parents.
The office will be headed by our new East Coast case manager,
Cathy Zalusky. Cathy brings 25 years of clinical and healthcare management
experience to her role in assisting intended
parents and donors through the unique journey of egg donation.
For more information about our East Coast Office, you may contact Cathy by phone at 877.375.8888
ext 301 or by email.
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